The joys of travelling in Europe

11:03AM Tuesday November 11, 2008

Travelling in Europe can be about as much fun as an SAS recruitment test. In fact, the SAS should really think about sending potential recruits to Europe to see if they can manage to get from A to B.

The wannabe soldiers wouldn't even need to be blindfolded and dropped into a strange country with just their uniform to see how resourceful they could be in finding their way to their proscribed destination.

They could be armed with mobile phones, laptops, credit cards and foreign currency and it would be hard enough.

All sorts of pitfalls have to be negotiated. Like, for instance, the challenge presented when trying to fly from Edinburgh to Dublin.

Should be simple enough - two mid-size cities, with accessible and not frighteningly busy airports. Ah-ha, don't be deceived.

Edinburgh authorities have been cunning. Their first challenge to test resolve comes by placing their car hire return miles away from the terminal. That requires a long wait in the freezing cold for an aging old bus to wheeze its way to the check in desks creating some panic about missing the flight.

Then, some airlines, not mentioning any names, but maybe Aer Lingus, overbook flights. Again, trying to keep things anonymous, but maybe Aer Lingus, are prone to saying on arrival at the check-in desk that they have absolutely no record whatsoever of a booking have been made. Doesn't matter that a credit card statement might suggest otherwise, what with $650 having been deducted. The booking still vanished.

Any chance of being put on the next flight? None. The truly resourceful will then traipse to every ticket desk in the airport to see if there is an alternative means of reaching Dublin. The truly resourceful will discover there is - it requires boarding an Easy Jet flight - something only the very brave should attempt - to Belfast. Make sure, though, that in attempting this dangerous exercise, that mention is made of having some luggage in tow. Otherwise that requires a return to the ticket desk - having endured the monstrous queue at the check-in desk - to pay extra for inconveniently putting something in the hold.

Easy Jet don't provide a ticketed seat, just the right to board their plane. Again this provides a test of stamina and physical strength. The plane is as far from the terminal as the car hire return. Some passengers charge onto the tarmac hoping to reach the plane first, but don't be tempted to follow suit. It is a long way and those who go early tend to run out of puff. Best to stay back at first - be prepared to elbow, push and in extreme cases trip others. Also, don't follow any gentleman's code of seeing the elderly, women and children as off limits. Needs must. Hold a steady pace and then a late sprint is a good tactic.

You need to keep some energy back for hiring a car at the other end. It requires extreme concentration to understand even just three words per sentence of the unintelligible Northern Irish brogue at the car hire place.

That's not the real challenge, though. That comes once you have the keys and have to locate the car in the icy wind and pitch black in a lot that has no lighting and only the sketchiest signage. It has been known for some cars to be hidden in the most obscure places, almost blocked in to the extent they require a 29-point manoeuvre just to exit.

By this stage, most recruits will have given up. Perseverance is everything. It's a tricky drive in the dark to Dublin, but Sat Nav is a great companion. It doesn't forewarn you, however, that road tolls will be encountered and that your plan of changing pounds for Euros once you get to Dublin isn't so wise. The tool booths only accept Euros except for one, which takes Sterling. Except you don't know that until you are wedged into the wrong queue. You can't get through the barrier and you can't reverse - what do you do next? If it's cry and scream with frustration, don't bother with the SAS. You are too human for them.

If it's get out of your car, smiling nicely at the drivers behind you while they furiously toot and suggest your mother and father are fornicators from way back, then you have potential. If you knock fearlessly on the one booth accepting Sterling and stand in the rain and wind until you are finally acknowledged, then the SAS is for you.

Gregor Paul

Photo / AP

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